Warm Stone Ice Cream

So for some unknown reason, I keep gravitating towards Cold Stone ice cream. I mean, it's expensive, it's a disgusting amount of ice cream, and really, it's not THAT good. And yet, a brownie or snickers in your ICE CREAM!!! How can I resist??? However, here are some of my issues with Cold Stone:

• Cool the stone: So I know Cold Stone's thing is their allegedly cold stone. However, everytime I order some ice cream, it is half melting by the time I get it. Methinks the stone just has some frost painted on it and is not much cooler than room temperature. It would also help if they just kept the cooler shut. Whowouldhavethunkit?
• Stop Freeing Willy: The portions are simply out of control. My girlfriend and I shared a small (aka: Like it) and we could not even finish it. Granted, neither one of us are slobs, but for the love of trimmer wastelines, I'm not sure I could finish a small if it was the first thing I had to eat after a Yom Kippur fast. I'm actually quite suprised that people aren't literally exploding next to the store after I see them walk out with these "Love it" sizes topped with fudge.
• Quit the name association: Why is a small "Like it" while a large is "Love it"? Can't you love the ice cream but only want a small? (like if you are a sane person who doesn't want to gain 8.2 lbs in one sitting)
• Stop singing: Everytime you give a tip, the workers start singing (more like yelling) in not-so-great-unison. Now, I don't give them a tip because they sing. It's like negative conditioning. I know my money will elicit the call of the wild, and really, that's not very pleasent.

On the topic of tips, why does everyone and their grandmother believe they deserve them? Here are some of the more dubious tip beggers:

• Candy store workers: I absolutely love candy by the pound stores. Nowhere else can I mix and match my favorite candies into one really, really heavy bag. When I've done all the work, I put the bag on the scale and the candy store "worker" pushes a button and takes my money. For this chore, which also includes him wrapping my bag and putting a sticker on it, he has handily setup a tip jar. Let me tell you something: If anyone deserves a tip for anything in that store, it's me for meticulously filing through the candy bins and deciding how much of which candies go into my bag. Not to mention I have to carry the bag. Jeez.
• Cab drivers: On the NY Cab Bill of Rights which you can handily find on the back of the divider in any NYC cab, you will read the following words: Tipping is customary for good service. What constitutes good service? How about getting me there TODAY, without crashing? Is that so hard? That's your freaking job. How can you be any better than that? Oooooh, you stayed silent the whole way and didn't bother me with your mindless banter. According to the Bill of Rights, that's a rule as well. (as is NO CELL PHONE USE)

I think I'm going to post a sign outside my office one day (if I ever graduate from med school) and on it will read the words: Tipping is customary for good service. After all, what better service can there be than saving someone's life? People will HAVE to tip me for that.